Beers and Boots and Blue Jeans, oh my! (or, why I want a life and love like a country song)

Beers and Boots and Blue Jeans, oh my! (or, why I want a life and love like a country song)

Howdy y’all. (Insert smiley face wearing a cowboy hat emoji) Sorry. Couldn’t help it.

So at my most recent workplace, we listened to a lot of country. A lot. Not hating. Listen to what you want. Seriously. It’s just not my scene. While I was kinda.. outlining this post (me? organize my thoughts ahead of time? whaaaaa? – but I legit had to look up lyrics to country songs so, ya know) I was listening to Sigur Ros. For those unfamiliar, they are an “Icelandic post-rock band known for their ethereal sound” and incorporating “classical and minimal aesthetic elements.” So a bit removed from songs about your boo meeting your momma and having your lady meet your kinfolk.

But! In the brainwashing… I mean the very casual, not at all drilled into my head ten hours a day, six days a week at work, listening to the genre… it fucking broke me. I want a life and a love like a country song. And I’m not at all sorry.

If you’ve read previous posts here, you maybe might notice a theme of my ever tumultuous love life. I do the karaoke, right, and out of all the songs I’ve ever done, there’s this one I sing more authentically and with more like… raw vulnerability than any other. “You Wanted More” by Tonic… the line… the fucking line… gets me every time… “I don’t know when I got bitter, but love is surely better when it’s gone” …Right in the God damn feels…. Truer words have potentially never been sang by me, except if you gave me a calendar, I could give you the exact date my bitterness solidified me into the Ice Queen y’all know and love. Though, I have do a ridiculously wonderful (and brave!) guy currently attempting to court me. Yes. I know. Melting me. May need a smaller crown. May have to settle for being a Slushy Princess for a while….

Anyway, country music. Like… man… there is something so kinda simple and pure about a lot of the lyrics. It’s not artsy fartsy or deep or bogged down with obscure references or heavy metaphors. It’s not even violent or offensive or explicit most the time. It’s… there ain’t nothing that a beer can’t fix, let’s slow dance in a Walmart parking lot, I’m chasin’ you like a shot of whiskey, I only meant to hold this drink now I’m tryna hold your hand, beer never broke my heart, straightforwardness. Songs praising women with their hair a mess, wearing an old pair of jeans. Songs about taking back roads, and that being literal, and not a thinly veiled anal sex reference.

I’m a city girl at best. A suburbanite at worst. The country factors nowhere into my life landscape. I don’t go swimming in the crick. I don’t have parties in barns. I’ve never driven a truck. And I’m not sure I need to incorporate those things into my life but… the energy of them… that like… just simple, (I keep using that word, and I know it might read condescending but I have ultimate respect for simplicity) like.. living. I want that. I don’t want stuffy. I don’t want impressive. I don’t want cool. I want a beer and a bonfire and people I love. I don’t want a five star hotel or a hundred dollar meal or a thousand dollar purse. I want a little bitty house and a little bitty yard, a la Alan Jackson. I want to wear outta season, marked down clearance lingerie (you know I’ll be rockin some “ho ho ho” panties on the 4th of July) and be made to feel like a Victoria Secret Angel.

I’m not traditionally religious, and country songs do a lot of giving thanks to God, but even that like… man.. I want to see the blessings in the day to day. I want to have that faith and endure the struggles with the grit and grace I find in those songs. And I maybe do legit want some boots..

You aren’t going to find me at a honky tonk (I wouldn’t even know where to go), doing the boot scootin boogie (I wouldn’t even know how) anytime soon. You’ll find me at an average bar, probably in a strip mall, singing along with whoever is on stage for karaoke. But maybe you’ll find me in beat up old jeans and a boring t shirt, instead of being decked out – trying to impress. Maybe you’ll find me being completely content with a cheap beer, instead of a complicated cocktail. And you’ll definitely hear me say, “y’all.”

To the boy…

To the boy who made a point of telling me I’m not drop dead gorgeous…

Maybe it’s because I wear glasses, but eyes like mine, that have seen some shit and still choose to see the good, are beautiful.

Maybe it’s because my arms are a little flabby, but they are always open to hug, embrace and accept a friend in need.

Maybe it’s my slightly lopsided breasts, that had a cancer scare a few years ago…

Maybe it’s my teeth, stained from years of drinking coffee, to assist me in working 2 or 3 jobs.

Maybe it’s the grey in my hair, well earned in my lifetime.

Maybe it’s the thickness of my thighs, which left plenty of room for the mantra tattooed there.

To the boy who made a point of telling me I’m not drop dead gorgeous, I don’t need your validation. I’m not a super model but I am a God damn super hero, and you can’t take my strength, or inner beauty away from me.

To the boy who made a point of telling me I’m not drop dead gorgeous, fuck off.

Find Your Bunny!

Merry Easter, y’all!

I know, I know. Covid this, quarantine that. I get it. Kinda. I’m “essential”, and still kinda business as usual. But I understand the world is beyond topsy turvy for a lot of people right now. Which is why I want to encourage everyone to find their bunny.

I’m not exclusively talking about a romantic partner, though I get rabbits do have a certain reputation for being a bit.. uh… amorous… I’m talking about that person that you can wholly go down that rabbit hole (not a sexual innuendo, I swear) with. With physical contact limited, this level of mental and emotional connection becomes that much more important.

So, everyone has gone down a wiki rabbit hole, yes? I’ll play now, just to see what happens. I started with the band I’m currently listening, The Dead South, and after a brief stop at “throat singing”, I ended up at “Quasiperiodicity”. Now, this was not a fully wiki rabbit hole exploration, it was more of a quick 6 degrees of wiki separation game, but you get my point. You end up in some weird and remote places. So.. I’m screaming… find someone who will go to those places with you. Your bunny. For life rabbit hole explorations.

I am super lucky. I have several bunnies. A fleet of fuzzies. If I wanna chat tarot cards and spells and energy, I have my guy for that. Metal music and movies and milkshakes? Got a dude. Again, connection and community. I get we’re all social distancing, but I also get we all have the internet and you can find one, if not a million, bunnies, down most holes you tumble down, a la Alice in Quarantine Land.

I don’t even know why I’m writing really. This post is… I don’t know. Even with my amazing flock of bunnies, I still struggle with feeling disconnected sometimes and I think that’s feeling… unconnected from myself. So, I write. Words for me. Maybe for you. General vibe reminders. If you’re disconnected, dive deeply into whatever weird (but legal!) shit you’re into, and look around, see who else is there. And if you somehow are unable to find anyone, dig in that much deeper and then shine out your beautiful beacon. Be the bunny that others find when they finally get there. And don’t discredit taking time to dive in, inwards. Shine your light on and into yourself, too.

I could get into an #alonetogether moment, but.. find people who are more than just that. Really take the time people have right now to figure out your passion, yourself, your community. Again, being in “lockdown” is physical, it does not have to be mental or emotional. I think people are searching, now more than ever, more earnestly and more openly than ever, for people they resonate with. But you gotta be singing to see who you harmonize with, you know?

The world is weird. So are you. So am I. We’ll get through this. But it’ll be easier as a band of bunnies checking up on each other. … happy Easter!

Multifaceted Bitch

So… this me…

(I am not posting this to be cool… I know it’s not. I’m not sharing this to show off, I don’t care. Keep reading, you’ll see it’s not a ludicrous attempt at an American Idol audition, I promise)

What you read on here, is also me. I love Shakespeare’s sonnets. I use to work 90 hours a week, between 3 jobs. I pull a tarot card every day to help my mindset.

I can happily, healthily and humorously go from having unavoidable cleavage, singing a tremendously inappropriate song, in front of a fairly crowded bar, to sitting in a quiet corner somewhere, wearing an oversized hoodie, holding space for you while you recount your past traumas. I am she. She is me.

Don’t be afraid of your sexuality. Don’t deny your sexuality. But also, and just as strongly, don’t be defined by your sexuality. Please, please, please note I’m possibly meaning to use the word sexual-ness here or… sexousity or… something. I’m 100% not talking about sexual preference or identity (though you should not deny that either!). I’m talking about being and feeling sexy and presenting yourself in a sexual nature. Embodying sexiness. Or not. Or both, on the same day at different times, or when around different people. That’s a super valid, amazing option too, if you prefer. But with that, if you like being more lowkey, less va-va-voomy, you can (and should) still thoroughly enjoy sexuality in whatever (law abiding) way you prefer.

I usually look like a librarian or an elementary school teacher. Most days I don’t wear makeup. I’ve posted many pics on Facebook because my hair was so fucked up and I simply had to share. And then I have moments in corsets and collars and flawless, dramatic makeup. Again, I’m not saying you have to do either or both, but I’m saying don’t be afraid to be the brilliant, multifaceted bitch you are!

Some people at the bar that night probably thought I was a hussy or harlot or slut or airhead or bimbo or whatever generic, ultimately meaningless, usually misogynistic, term you wanna pick. And while that’s not right – for me, personally, it’s okay. I can usually tell by how people approach me and speak to me throughout the night, if that was their impression and it makes it easier for me to weed them out. If you cannot accept that a person can fearlessly flaunt tits and ass, and still fucking own an episode of Jeopardy, you can 100% fuck off. If you think a modestly dressed, more shy person, can’t in a second be the most wicked dom, or the best God damn lay of your life, you can 100% fuck off.

Be a huge video game nerd, who is a star athlete. Be the smartest, sluttiest broad in the whole bar. Defy boring people’s expectations of what you should, or should not, be based on one shard in your stunning personality kaleidoscope. I’m sort of at a point in my life where, people can think what they want. For real. Think I’m a ho? Okay, enjoy your blue balls later while I’m not going home with you. Think I’m a prude? Hold my beer while I pull up some pics.. and vids… I’ll get you some personal references too, if you want. Because I’m all of those things at times and about a bajillion other things too, just like everyone I know. Don’t make yourself small to avoid crowding narrow minded people. Don’t use your inside voice when the moment is in a wide open space, just because it may annoy someone. Crowd ’em. Annoy ’em. There are other places they can go and ear plugs they can buy while you are enjoying every single layer of your sexy onion self.

Karate chops and kisses y’all,
Yours truly,
Tina Motherfucking K.

The emotional booty call

We all know what a booty call is. Most of us are probably “guilty” in participating (ain’t no shame, get it, but keep reading). As consenting adults, get laid. Safely. If everyone agrees it’s just sex, or kink play, or whatever y’all are into, cool cool cool. But don’t call up someone that you know is legitimately digging you, and just use them for sex.

That’s shitty. And I think most people recognize that that’s shitty. But I want to go one step further. I want to explore the emotional booty call (:: dun dun dunnnnn ::)

Okay. I’m not saying don’t lean on your friends. I’m not saying don’t turn to people in your time of need. We recently needed a tv. I posted on Facebook, literally the same day was picking up a free tv from a friend. So I’m not discouraging that, at all. I think it’s a matter of consent and a matter of intent. Is that person helping you because they can and would like to, or because they are being manipulated? Are you reaching out to them, knowing in their time of need you’d also be there for them, or are you reaching out solely to serve yourself?

I know a person who I won’t hear from for weeks, and then they’ll have a bad night and my phone is blowing up. One recent message from them said, “I just wanted to feel loved.” …. honey, I do love you, but not on command. And this person.. I’m not equally yoked with them, at all. I absolutely have friends where, if they sent me that, we’d be up chatting all night. I have friends where, when I send a message like that, we get milkshakes at midnight. But those people have a mutual love and respect situation with me. They are my healthy, mutually enjoyable, beneficial all around emotional hook ups, you know? As a (mostly) sane adult, who I fuck with – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually – like… that shit is my life, those choices are important.

I never advocate for building walls. I never preach for anyone to close themselves off. I’m on mountain tops screaming the opposite, pretty much on the daily. Be authentic. Be open. Be vulnerable. But maybe be vulnerable in like… a turtle kinda way. I’m not an animal expert, but go with me on this for a sec. I’m pretty sure turtles, sans shell, are squishy and soft, right? But then they have like… bad ass armor. So… in the thinking about unhealthy booty calls, maybe don’t stick your neck out for those people. And I think we always know when vibes are bad, we know when we’re getting used or played, but we’re like drug addicts sometimes where the high from getting that attention or affection, overrides our knowing, or caring, about the destruction that comes with it.

I’m probably not gonna blow a guy who won’t go down on me (and most people I know hold similar sentiments), why would I pour effort and support into someone who, when they good, ain’t around for me? Basically, don’t give your heart blue balls.

Love y’all! 😘

W.T.Follow-up

So, building on my last post (like what you like, don’t like what you don’t like, fuck anyone is who shames you for any of it)… I saw a post today in a witch group, this person posted about how her allergies have been acting up since she started burning incense and candles all the time….

Sis. THEN STOP BURNING INCENSE AND CANDLES.

Your ancestors or godesses or spirits or enery or whatever you are working with will understand, I promise. No religious/spiritual practice should create a sense of obligation in you to continually do something that is causing physical ailments.

Not sure of the origin of the quote, but I’ve read that “tradition is just peer pressure from dead people” I’m not saying abandon them all. Some traditions are wonderful and amazing. And some we outgrow, for a plethora of reasons, allergies being one of them.

Let’s say you have a gluten intolerance. Let’s also say a family tradition of yours is a big ol pasta dinner every Sunday. Now, traditional pasta ain’t gonna work for you. So maybe you start researching amazing vegetable based dishes and you end up opening the worlds first 5 star vegetarian Italian restaurant, all because you were forced to break tradition.

For this lovely lady.. okay, fire ain’t your element. You are being urged to explore other options. Use tea leaves, use plants, use pendulums. For scent, use essential oils in a diffuser. Use supplies that are red and orange to represent the fire. You are being given such an great opportunity to be creative. Maybe she’ll explore and will go on to write a book about creating your own craft and the benefits of non traditional spirituality.

We’re so afraid of going off the well beaten path that we are potentially missing out on the most incredible scenery.

Get lost, be open, start your own traditions.

Why have guilty pleasures?

I was scrolling FB earlier and this guy has this HUGE post with a link to some Justin Beiber music video. He wrote about how he isn’t a “pop culturalist”,or something, especially when it comes to music, he always does better than the Beebs (I’m 100% rephrasing, of course) but he just liked this song.

Okay.

I mean, like it if you like it. Literally nobody cares. And I don’t mean that in a rude way but like.. if you rock out to Justin Beiber every now and then, no one cares, and if they do – fuck em *maybe literally, while Justin Beiber plays in the background* **only if they consent, of course, to the fucking… sneak in the soundtrack**

Like what you like (within reason, I don’t promote harmful behavior here). Let others like what they like. I feel like I’ve written about this before but it’s always so weird to me when people feel bad or are made to feel bad for a musician or tv show or whatever that they are into.

I unapologetically can sing along to more than a handful of Spice Girl songs. I still love and am genuinely creeped out by episodes of Courage the Cowardly Dog. I sleep with my favorite blanket and at least one stuffed animal every night. If any of my friends ever tried to make me feel guilt or shame for that, or anything else like that, they can 100% fuck off.

One of my besties loves the One Direction (hey girl hey!). I don’t. Nothing against them. They are adorable boys, making catchy pop music. It’s just not my scene. But it’s hers, so while I don’t personally dig it, I’m totally fine with her digging it. Live and let live, y’all. Ain’t nobody gonna shoot you because you like a Justin Beiber bop, so this like… fear of liking stuff (usually uber mainstream, popular stuff – heaven forbid we like something that literally millions of other people like – we clearly can’t or we’ll be stripped of our cool badges….) is just so surreal to me. I’m old as fuck. Peer pressure is just like… the last thing I feel the need to entertain.

Also, don’t like what you don’t like. For me, Game of Thrones, Marvel movies, college football… I just could not care any less about these things. I don’t bash the kajillion people who do love these things. I actually use to plan grocery shopping trips around football games because I knew there would be fewer people out and about.

Life is just so much bigger than these things. I understand you can connect with your tribe, partially, because of these things. I went to an EDM show a few weeks back and I saw the community there, that came together because of the music, and that’s amazing. But I really hope every single person at that show knows and loves someone who totally doesn’t get that genre.

I don’t want my life to be just straight shots of tequila. That is gonna be boring and it’s gonna fuck me up, bad. I want my life to be colorful, tasty, wonderful cocktails with multiple ingredients. You’re the bartender of your life, play, experiment, mix it up, y’all. Cheers!