The Weight Of The World (or, getting bigger – physically – and stronger – emotionally)

I hopped on a scale this morning. 178. I rounded up there, don’t remember exactly what it said. I’m 5ft3-ish. That’s not in the “ideal” weight range, for my height. (I know those numbers are bullshitty, and don’t factor in a million things, just hang in here with me for a sec.)

As a human, with a body, weight fluctuates. Mine somewhat wildly so. From my heaviest, about a decade ago (which I am nearing at the moment), to my smallest (when I worked 90 hours a week, slept 3 hours a night and binge drank most night of the week)… It’s been a ride, right?

So, today, I don’t know. I haven’t been super worried about the scale, but it’s been lurking in the back of my mind. As a reformed daily weigher, even if you’re not stepping on the scale, like… it’s branded into your brain, seared on it, somewhere.

I’m pretty acutely aware of my body, good and bad. So, the number being “higher than ideal” (for lack of better phrasing) was not a surprise, by any means. There was no sticker shock at this checkout. Kind of the opposite, actually. Looked down, read the number, acknowledged it (it felt like that white guy in the Midwest, head nod kind of acknowledgement, like… Sup?) and THEN had the shock of not being horrified or upset or sad. Because even just a couple years ago, I would have been gutted, and I would have immediately kicked back into ultra self destructive habits to “fix it” … to “fix me”

But you know what? I’m not fucking broken.

Do I want more energy? Of course. Could healthier habits improve multiple areas of my life? You betcha. Will I probably be more mindful in choices going forward? Somewhat. I’m not freaking out. I shouldn’t. I’ll drink more water, eat more veggies, move more in a way that I enjoy, but legit, pretty much immediately after weighing myself, I had brownies with cream cheese frosting for breakfast, and I know that isn’t healthy, but damn it tasted and felt good.

I kind of love getting old. It’s been good to me. My mindset, my confidence, my ability to carry the weight of my world, and my waist…

It’s weird that seeing my physical growth on the scale this morning also showed me my emotional growth. And that feels almost as good as those brownies.

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