Thoughts on a breakup part 39.5 (or however many times I’ve written on getting dumped)

I got dumped Saturday night at 1am. It’s now Monday at 11am. I’ve done some reflecting and now I need to do some writing.

A – He isn’t a bad guy, he just isn’t a good guy for me. I’m not a failure as a partner, I was just not the right fit for him. We began dating during the pandemic. The world was weird and uncertain and small, closed off, feeling. And in that, we found each other. And it was so good. It was happy and safe and stable when so many things were not. We were home bodies, happily nesting in, because there was no where to go. And then the world started shifting back. Places and people are available. Life is back on, you know? (Not making light of covid, at all here, please know that). And ya know what… he and I are both really good at living our lives, but our lives are just really not good at living with each other and we kind of just now got to really see that under a bright glaring light.

B – I cannot blame him for not liking me (or whatever crazy insecure post break up thought might pop up), when I was not being fully myself, I can only blame myself for that. It’s weird how slowly and subtly someone can shrink themselves. I’m a big lifer. Full ass, remember? And that’s not how everyone conducts themselves, and that’s totally okay, though I’m pretty sure I’m having more fun. BUT, I woke up today 30 some hours after getting dumped and I felt relief. I felt lighter. I have plans with friends. I feel more confident about sticking to personal resolutions. It’s not that the guy stopped me from those things. Just having someone else that was filling space and time in the way our relationship functioned, prevented it a bit. And that’s on me. I think I’m really finally learning how to set boundaries, for future relationships. I will prioritize my life, because that’s what I’m still living when/if that person and I stop working out.

C – It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be okay. Processing and coping and healing can take many shapes and shades. Last time I went through a breakup, it destroyed me. I went off the fucking rails, which ended up with me getting into a terrible car accident and losing my license for a bit. So.. this time, just no. This time I have definitely relied on my friends, who are angels, but I’ve kept myself in check. Let me vent, don’t let me binge. And I see so much growth in how I’m handling things this time and you know what, I’m so fucking proud of me. And that is sort of over riding some of the more negative things that pop up, post breakup.

My life is my responsibility. My choices are my own. My priorities are my decision. I need to take some time and be selfish so that may not allow time or space for a romantic partner and that’s okay. Love yourself.

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