Dreams (not the song by Fleetwood Mac)

Now here I go again…

I never ever ever ever ever remember my dreams. Ever. Until this past week. I’ve not only remembered, but also upon waking, still physically felt, my dreams.

I haven’t changed my sleep hours or length or anything. I’m still, give or take, falling asleep around the same time. I’m occasionally getting up earlier so.. I haven’t prolonged sleep, or added any. If anything the past few days, specifically, I’ve been short on it. So, I don’t really know about like… R.E.M and sleep cycles and what stage you need to be in to dream, but I’ve somehow started going there again, all of a sudden.

And they are vivid. And not super strange, no flying or super powers but like… just weird enough to make me pause a few extra minutes when mulling then over when I wake up.

What has been kind of exceedingly odd though is like… real life dreams have returned too. Goals, focus, ideas have started coming in, like the tide, these past couple weeks. I commented somewhere on Facebook that, for the first time in a long ass time, I’m excited about life again.

I’ve tried to be more consistent with my writing. I actually, physically, hand write out one side of one piece of notebook paper a day. I lowkey love my sloppy handwriting and spelling mistakes. It adds an extra layer of messy authenticity, I think. I don’t use writing prompts, it’s just kind of an off the cuff brain dump. It’s like what I do here but even more jumbled and chaotic. But, I’ve been writing the dreams down there. And I’m having like… an Inception moment half the time. I’m having dreams that are telling me to chase and live and pursue my dreams. Which is not bad, but it is unsettling, for some reason.

And last night, I had a nightmare. My dream was chasing me. And that’s a weird twist. And the character chasing me was Chris Crocker (went viral years ago with his LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE video, but is hella funny and poignant nowadays too, find him on social media, you deserve his content in your life). A few hours before I went to bed, he’d posted a thing about sobriety, and authenticity and finding your purpose, and then, in my crazy dream world, he’s holding me hostage and running me down. So, not him, but the concepts my brain were still linking to him. My dreams tell me to follow my dreams and if I don’t I’ll be chased down by feelings of inauthenticity and purposelessness.

And maybe this is all mumbo jumbo. But like… I’m okay with that. It’s my mumbo jumbo. Maybe it means nothing and I’m reaching to ascribe meaning to it but like… couldn’t the same be said for like… almost everything in life?

When the rain washes you clean you’ll know.

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