A lil while back I kinda had a mini nervous breakdown. (I originally typed that as breaddown, and had to take a minute to ponder through a like… nervous breakdown heavily starring bread, which sounds delicious and way more delightful than the way I actually did it IRL) Crap was just bad. And I eventually ended up deciding a lot of the issues I was slamming into time and time again had to do with significance. Feeling like I was significant. Wondering if I have ever, at any point in time, made impact on anyone. My love life is… an adventure. I’ll kind of leave it at that but… it’s not a stable thing, by any means. On top of that, I’m very busy so I don’t always feel like I have the time to truly, deeply connect. Most things in my life feel very surface. And man was that just… wearing me down.
How did I fix it, you may be asking, dear reader. A couple different ways.
A facebook friend (you know, someone you know in real life, but you haven’t spoken to or actually seen in person for like… years and year.. so they are a friend, but pretty much only on facebook) posted a song, he shares a lot of music. And I commented something, “great song”, whatever it was. And he replied something along the lines of, “the only reason I know that song is because of you” dun dun dun…. I had, in fact, made an impact on this person like… well over ten years ago, because it had been that long since we interacted beyond reading status updates. And that, realizing that, shook me y’all.
So, that went down a couple of weeks back, and I keep kind of re-thinking this idea, what’s my significance to those around me, if it’s anything at all and… it’s only been the past few days that I’m really kinda… embracing that I don’t need to know if I made an impact on you or not, if I’m significant to you or not. That’s on you. I need to know who and what are important to me, what I hold significant, and conduct myself accordingly. I want to always be mindful that my actions and words can have an impact, and I can certainly hope with all my crazy little heart that it’s a positive one but… I don’t control you, or that, so being so freaking bummed out about not mattering, when I could, in fact have saved someones life or god know what, you know, I realized how silly that is.
I also am embracing and accepting the idea of un-mutual (go with me for a sec…) significance. Again, I don’t know for sure, but I feel pretty okay saying there are people who I matter more to them, than they do to me. And that’s just life, man. But, flip side of that, I know beyond any doubt that there are people who matter a whole fuckity fuck ton to me, and I may be nothing beyond an annoying bird chirping outside their window on the one morning they actually get to sleep in. And that’s okay. Unless they start throwing stones at me to get me to leave, I’m gonna chirp away because it’s where my soul sits with them, even if their soul don’t wanna be in the same room as me. Note: I’m not saying be an annoying stalker cunt, I’m simply saying if you have love in your heart for someone, fucking give it, but give it freely, without needing, wanting or expecting it to be returned. Note II: I’m also not saying be a pushover pussy. Don’t let people use and abuse you. Don’t. You’re better than that. But, I have a friend, I send him “thinking of you messages” somewhat often. I don’t always get replies. And you know what, that’s okay. I don’t know what he’s going through. Maybe words are hard. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he doesn’t know how to respond right now because he can’t wrap his head around someone saying the kind things I do about him. I’m gonna keep sending those messages, because why wouldn’t I? It takes me literally less than a minute and maybe one day, one of those messages will make a positive impact. Or maybe not. Again, that’s not for me to stress over. I just have to keep sending out love, because doing that, being that light, offering that support, is important to me.
It’s amazing how much more empowered you can feel after you start to really realize how little control of things you have.