The time is now (follow up post)

Read the one below – When to Stop Fighting – before this one, for best continuity.

Sup? Life man… fuck. So, I talked about signs. And I mentioned like.. specific tracks/lines in songs on the new Chvches album (which is actually super solid, and I kinda feel bad for sayin eff it). And they seemed so fitting and so deep and there was such confirmation in them that like… the fact that the album is called “Love is Dead” completely passed me by. I am finding proof that I need to keep fighting for a boy in these songs on an album called Love.Is.Dead. Missing the forest for the trees, y’all.. that’s what happened. So, that was an interesting revelation today.

Also… I have an answer, kinda. It’s not about finding out when to stop fighting, it’s about figuring out what is ultimately worth fighting for. And it’s so dumb that this was like.. a lightning bolt idea to me but.. in the end, the only thing worth fighting for is you, yourself. (I understand family and loyalty and devotion, like none other, I assure you so that’s not what I’m saying here). I’m saying… a.) no one else is responsible for you; it’s great to have people that will help you, or look out for you, but.. they don’t have to, they chose to, recognize and appreciate that. b.) ultimately, you are not responsible for anyone else – again, I know you have kids or spouses or whatever, and yes, you should take care of them, but there is literally nothing physically stopping you from saying, “fuck this, fuck that, fuck them” and peacing the fucking out. So then in conclusion c.) only you are responsible for only you.  Read it again, it makes sense, I promise 😉

So, I fucked things up with that boy, for sure. And I apologized. I made a mistake. I owned it. And now.. I’m okay. He can accept or reject my apology, and we can continue or stop, I’m kinda… letting him marinate for a bit. But… it’s kinda okay either way. I am responsible for me. I did my due diligence in righting the wrong, as much as possible. And now I need to get back to myself. I allow myself to be swept up and away with others, and my tether to my own core had gotten so warped and stretched that, in being there for everyone, I was nowhere for myself, and that’s some straight up nervous breakdown bullshit. I need to rein myself in. But I also need to reign myself in. I need to get a grip on myself, and also fully rule myself, I hold the leash on my life, myself, I control it.

I will be there for people, so long as it’s not harmful to me. That is going to be a change for me.  I’ve always liked the quote, “Don’t set yourself on fire just to keep others warm.” But I’ve always lived, “Pour more gasoline on me and break out the s’mores.” And it’s only this morning that I am finally rising up from those ashes. I will not be small for anyone else’s comfort. You’re either on board, or you’re doggy paddling solo, I’m no longer stopping my fucking carnival cruise ship to send out a lifeboat for anyone. I can’t. Making all those stops and detours.. I’m never gonna get to my destination. Only you are responsible for only you. When I’m frustrated or on my death bed or whatever scenario we want to play out, I can blame whoever, but it’s fake. “Well, if this boy hadn’t….” “If that co-worker had…”  No. Me. If I hadn’t. If I had. Make better choice. Rein yourself in. Live loudly and vibrantly and bizarrely, but keep yourself securely tethered to your own desires and ambitions. Reign yourself in. Own it. Everything. Good, bad, all the grey in between. And learn to accept other people doing the same for themselves.

The song is “You gotta fight for YOUR right to party”, not “You gotta fight for everyone else’s right to party”. Just sayin.    🙂

Fear and Lies

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What are you afraid of?  The boogeyman?  Snakes? Being vulnerable? I’ve been thinking lots of thoughts, and feeling lots of things (I prefer the thoughts, honestly). And how honest are we really? When you talk to others, but more importantly, how honest are you when you talk to yourself?

I think about things that would have paralyzed me, even just a year ago, getting up on a stage and singing an inappropriate song, while grinding on someone, in front of crowd, for instance. And while I don’t want to say that’s normal now.. it’s for sure no longer scary. And I’m not sure when that switch happened. I think it was gradual, but I wonder if it should have been. I talk to my friends all the time about taking baby steps. But like.. fuckin hell, I want to just dive head first from now on. Yoda said, “Do, or do not, there is no try.”  Yes.   As I get older and busier and… fear and worry and doubt are just too time consuming and energy draining. I could over analyze literally everything, and get mentally or emotionally stuck, or I could just fucking go with it, and see what happens. It’s so liberating to be able to say, “I don’t know, I’m not sure, I have no fucking clue, but I’m gonna do it anyway.”  Having trust in the Universe, or Divine One, or the deity of your choice. I think trusting on that level is probably easier for religious people, just an aside.

I wonder when we lost our connection to our own authenticities. You know when a kid falls down, and scrapes their knee, and they cry and we tell them they are okay?  Like.. is it that place where this faking it bullshit starts?  Obviously that kid will live, they’ll be fine, but you know what, maybe their knee really fucking hurts, and maybe they should be allowed to feel that and cry about it.  Let’s not teach people to suppress, to hide, to fake.  Have you ever met a blazingly honest person?  It’s terrifying as fuck, y’all. That shit will leave you fucking shook to your core. And how messed up is that?  We are way more comfortable with the fake. With the Splenda version of people. Let’s remove all the calories, and present anemic versions of us that leave a bitter aftertaste. I know so many good, smart, talented, amazing people. And I’d say 90% of them have such little knowledge of their true selves, their power, their potential… self actualization is.. why aren’t we teaching that in school? Give me someone who is genuinely awkward over someone who is fake cool all day every day.

I think lies can be so comforting. And I think we make them the anti-dote to fear pretty often. I’m afraid I’ll get rejected, so I’ll lie to myself, talk myself out of pursuing it, that guy doesn’t deserve me anyway, or whatever it is, you know? How about, I’m afraid of rejection, but I’m gonna fucking do it anyway, because I have yet to hear about anyone dying from not having their invite for a date accepted? I am at a point where wounded pride is a quicker healing process than living in-authentically, where suffering through embarrassment is easier than deceiving and denying my own soul. I want to stop lying to myself, stop lying about myself, I want to overcome non-sense fears, life is too fucking short to be anything other than wonder-fully, gloriously, messily, you, in all the crazy, profound, silly truth that we should completely embrace and embody.

The next time I trip and fall and “scrape my knee”  (get my heart broke, epically fail at my day.. etc.) I’m gonna fucking wail, and let it out, and people around me can help, or stare, or ignore, it doesn’t even matter, all that matters is having that moment, not suppressing, not hiding, reveling in whatever it is (please note, this absolutely includes good things too.. accomplishing a goal – Imma celebrate the fuck out of it, and again, people can join, or ignore, or stare, their reaction is none of my business). Less lies. More lucidity. Fewer fears. Increased fierceness… these are the goals, y’all.