Fear and Lies

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What are you afraid of?  The boogeyman?  Snakes? Being vulnerable? I’ve been thinking lots of thoughts, and feeling lots of things (I prefer the thoughts, honestly). And how honest are we really? When you talk to others, but more importantly, how honest are you when you talk to yourself?

I think about things that would have paralyzed me, even just a year ago, getting up on a stage and singing an inappropriate song, while grinding on someone, in front of crowd, for instance. And while I don’t want to say that’s normal now.. it’s for sure no longer scary. And I’m not sure when that switch happened. I think it was gradual, but I wonder if it should have been. I talk to my friends all the time about taking baby steps. But like.. fuckin hell, I want to just dive head first from now on. Yoda said, “Do, or do not, there is no try.”  Yes.   As I get older and busier and… fear and worry and doubt are just too time consuming and energy draining. I could over analyze literally everything, and get mentally or emotionally stuck, or I could just fucking go with it, and see what happens. It’s so liberating to be able to say, “I don’t know, I’m not sure, I have no fucking clue, but I’m gonna do it anyway.”  Having trust in the Universe, or Divine One, or the deity of your choice. I think trusting on that level is probably easier for religious people, just an aside.

I wonder when we lost our connection to our own authenticities. You know when a kid falls down, and scrapes their knee, and they cry and we tell them they are okay?  Like.. is it that place where this faking it bullshit starts?  Obviously that kid will live, they’ll be fine, but you know what, maybe their knee really fucking hurts, and maybe they should be allowed to feel that and cry about it.  Let’s not teach people to suppress, to hide, to fake.  Have you ever met a blazingly honest person?  It’s terrifying as fuck, y’all. That shit will leave you fucking shook to your core. And how messed up is that?  We are way more comfortable with the fake. With the Splenda version of people. Let’s remove all the calories, and present anemic versions of us that leave a bitter aftertaste. I know so many good, smart, talented, amazing people. And I’d say 90% of them have such little knowledge of their true selves, their power, their potential… self actualization is.. why aren’t we teaching that in school? Give me someone who is genuinely awkward over someone who is fake cool all day every day.

I think lies can be so comforting. And I think we make them the anti-dote to fear pretty often. I’m afraid I’ll get rejected, so I’ll lie to myself, talk myself out of pursuing it, that guy doesn’t deserve me anyway, or whatever it is, you know? How about, I’m afraid of rejection, but I’m gonna fucking do it anyway, because I have yet to hear about anyone dying from not having their invite for a date accepted? I am at a point where wounded pride is a quicker healing process than living in-authentically, where suffering through embarrassment is easier than deceiving and denying my own soul. I want to stop lying to myself, stop lying about myself, I want to overcome non-sense fears, life is too fucking short to be anything other than wonder-fully, gloriously, messily, you, in all the crazy, profound, silly truth that we should completely embrace and embody.

The next time I trip and fall and “scrape my knee”  (get my heart broke, epically fail at my day.. etc.) I’m gonna fucking wail, and let it out, and people around me can help, or stare, or ignore, it doesn’t even matter, all that matters is having that moment, not suppressing, not hiding, reveling in whatever it is (please note, this absolutely includes good things too.. accomplishing a goal – Imma celebrate the fuck out of it, and again, people can join, or ignore, or stare, their reaction is none of my business). Less lies. More lucidity. Fewer fears. Increased fierceness… these are the goals, y’all.

Facebook Notifications and Loneliness

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Yesterday was my birthday. I’m old. It’s okay.

All day I got notifications on my phone, so and so wrote on my timeline. It’s nice.

And I write on people’s timelines when it’s their birthday. It’s just kinda what we do, right?

But man… people are lonely. Like.. deeply, devastatingly lonely. Even with all the Facebook notifications.

A guy I know, super busy and popular, successful, talented, smart, funny… lonely.

Another friend, he’s freaking brilliant, stable, caring… lonely.

Another friend, beautiful, stunning really, hard worker, sweetest thing… lonely.

What is actually going on here?

Why do we feel this/have this loneliness epidemic?

I think we’re broken. So broken. And I think we’ve been conditioned by bad relationships, by being lied to and cheated on and used and abused and… to expect people to only break us further. So, we either end up in this permanent loop of victim-hood, or we go the opposite direction and puff ourselves up and declare no one will ever hurt us again, and end up super guarded with walls around us so thick that our hearts become impenetrable. And both of those options suck. A lot. We live in fear, when it comes to love and connection and relating. We can share memes all day long, but are uncomfortable sitting down and sharing a meal. We can like your selfie on insta, but we can’t actually look you in the eye, in person.

I’m not anti-technology, I’m not against texting and posting and liking. I’m not. But that is like taking a vitamin, instead of actually eating the fruits and vegetables. It helps, but it’s not complete. It might keep you going, but it’s not going to make you radiant. It should be a supplement, not the sole… soul… supply.