I have been shitty. A lot.

A friend shared a meme where a guy labeled “me” was on his knees, getting beat up by another guy labeled “the past two or three months”.

I get it.

But… we’re out of the pandemic. There is no major mass shooting in the news this morning. I have a decent paying job, that out of my three work days this week (which is full time) is giving me free lunch two of them. I am in probably the healthiest romantic relationship I’ve ever had in my adult life. No family member is currently in urgently compromised health…

And yet, I’m still shitty.

Which makes me feel bad for feeling bad. Nothing is wrong, except me. And these two wrongs are not making a right, they are making an even wronger wrong that leaves me utterly depleted some days.

I had trash in my car that literally stank, for over a week. I just couldn’t bring myself to clean up, because of my mood even though the not cleaning was making my mood worse every time I got in my car.

I’m not claiming clinical depression, because I’ve not consulted any kind of physician so, I will say this has been one of the funkiest funks I’ve been fu(n)cked up in, in a while.

And it’s okay.

It’s shitty. Really shitty. But it’s okay.

I took a couple days to do as little as possible… wallow, maybe? Which, honestly, not sure if it made it better or worse but if beauty influencers on YouTube have taught me anything, sometimes things have to get worse as part of the process (that you simply have to trust) to the better.

I had a mini nervous breakdown to the bf. Crying. Venting. Apologizing. And he let me. There was no major breakthrough, in my breakdown, but there was release. You know when you shake a two liter of pop and it gets all fizzed the fuck out? If you unscrew it all willy nilly, it erupts, right? But, if you take your time and you very, very, very slowly unscrew it, there is hissing and maybe a little dribble/leaking situation, but you can mostly successfully open it, without too much of a mess.

So that’s where I’m at right now. Slowly unscrewing myself. Hissing and leaking, but not erupting. Acknowledging that letting things settle takes time and patience. And even then, it’s not a perfect process.

But I’ll get there. And you will too. My process doesn’t feel like it requires a doctor, necessarily, or medication, but if yours does, that is totally okay too. Maybe you’re not a shook two liter, maybe you’re something else. That’s okay. Trust the process, whatever that is for you.

Also, I finally cleaned out my car. Took 5 minutes. Threw some Tupperware away that was beyond saving, but my car doesn’t smell anymore, and it is no longer negatively impacting me every time I get in. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.